He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
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