Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
