My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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