Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
