You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
