don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You took a bar mat shot.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
