Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
