idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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