I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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