He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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