The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
