Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
