I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
