She is in my trunk
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
