I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Just pee around me
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
