My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
