Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
