So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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