Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Randomize
