someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
