Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
