Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
