You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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