I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
