so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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