you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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