we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
