Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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