That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
