I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
As shirtless as possible
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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