just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
you had me at cake vodka
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
