Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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