he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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