I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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