I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
