he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
