ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
