You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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