Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
