I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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