Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
