sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
