we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
