There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
