I'm so fucking centered right now
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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