I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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