you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You're like the curious george of whores
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
