All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
