Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
