you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
