took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
