I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
thus making me awesome and them whores
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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