I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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