he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
