im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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